


and they are a little rusty

by marvelleous



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: 5 + 1 Things, F/M, Post Framework Arc, a.k.a Phil and Melinda's sexcapades
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 11:20:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10555446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelleous/pseuds/marvelleous
Summary: They're pretty great at it.And consistently terrible too.Or 5 times Phil and Melinda fail at sex + a couple more times that they fail but at this point they really don't give a fuck - they just want to fuck.





	

**Author's Note:**

> the lovely people of the philinda chatroom were panicking about ming's injury and i said "what if it's a sex injury?" just to be clear i have no idea what i'm doing here.

**one.**

 

Their first time... it goes pretty terribly. 

Over the years he'd had many thoughts about how being with Melinda might be like. He doesn't envision that they'll have such a disastrous streak in the bedroom - but heck, at this point, he's just glad they've gotten here. 

She has him pressed into the couch, straddling his lap and they're kissing and he doesn't know how he didn't notice that the LMD had replaced her the moment their lips touched because this is electrifying, like heat running through his veins as her fingers dig into the base of his skull. 

She's grinding down onto him, and part of him wants to slow things down because he's afraid that it's all going to be over very quickly because he's known Melinda long enough to know that he has very little self control when it comes to her. His hands creep up her bare back, reaching for the clasp of her bra, and he feels her smirk against his lips as he unhooks it one try. 

Melinda pulls away slowly, and his hands move down to her hips to hold her in place as she leans back, shrugging it off and flinging it across the room. She stretches her arms over her head, and he has to clench his jaw to keep it from dropping. 

He's so lost in the image of her he forgets that they're on the couch for a moment. So when he surges forward to bury his lips against her neck, he completely loses balance and blanks for a moment as they fall, Melinda hitting the ground below them with a loud thud, a split second before he’s there on top of her. 

"I am so sorry," he groans, pushing up onto his forearms, because he's just inadvertently flattened his girlfriend. 

She rolls her eyes and snorts at him, pulling him down for another long kiss. They're both breathless when he ends it, taking a few deep gulps of air. 

"Bed?"

She draws her bottom lip between her teeth and his arms nearly give out. 

"Or... we could just do it right here?" she responds after a moment, hooking a leg up around his hip and pressing them closer together. 

"I'm good with that."

 

* * *

 

**two.**

 

Their second time comes a week after the first and she's honestly surprised they managed to hold out that long. There had been missions to plan and bad guys to take out and SHIELD has been getting in the way of their personal lives forever so they just take what they'll get at this point. 

Though they do have a close call five days in when she pins him to the mats after a particularly energetic sparring session and is seconds away from just stripping him down and having her way with him when they are interrupted by a group of junior agents early for a training session with her.

If they pick up on the fact that she's particularly frustrated during said session, none of them are stupid enough to point it out.

Of course Phil is sent off base on a mission for two days after that, so by the time he gets back she is more than ready to spend some quality time with him again. Melinda has always been one to get things done, so she doesn't waste time where she knows it's precious; she ambushes him the moment his quinjet touches down, brushing off Daisy’s worried shouts as she drags Phil back to his room for “debriefing”.

The look she gives him after he tries to crack a joke about her “de-briefing” him shuts him right up.

He’s filthy, covered in dust and debris from whatever fight he and Daisy had won earlier, so she strips him down and forces him into the tiny shower stall before shedding her own clothes to join him. He has the water pressure cranked all the way up, the temperature set just the way she liked it, and she bats his hands away when he immediately reaches for her waist. 

He huffs at her and proceeds to methodically wash off the dirt from his skin while she stands beside him under the spray, just watching his every move. When she is content that he’s suitably cleaned, she presses herself up against him, looping her arms around his neck and pressing his back to the cold tile of the wall as they kiss. He buries his fingers in her hair as she nips at his bottom lip, before pulling away and rubbing her nose against the edge of his jaw. 

After a week of barely any intimacy, both of them are in a hurry to just get some action before one of them is pulled away on a mission again. He manages to maneuver them, flipping their positions so that he’s the one pressing her into the wall, and their lips meet again as she hooks one leg around his and they both know exactly what is on the other’s mind. He tightens his arms around her waist as she hops up and wraps her legs around him, both of them groaning loudly for a moment as he bucks up against her. 

The moment doesn’t last long. 

The shower is cramped and the water is running and everything… and she means everything, is wet, and as Phil readjusts his footing to balance her weight, his foot slips, his knees buckling as a result. He falls backwards, straight through the shower curtain and onto the bathroom floor and her shoulder slams against the side of the stall as she goes with him. 

They both take a second to shake the water from their eyes and the shock from their systems. 

“Ouch,” he says with a sigh, rubbing her shoulder with a gentle hand, trying not to grin at the adorable look of frustration across her features. 

Melinda smooths his damp hair back and presses a kiss to the tip of his nose before untangling herself from their awkward embrace and standing. She steps over him, reaching for two towels and nudging his side with her foot as she wraps one around herself, before dropping the other into his lap. 

“Bed?” he asks, groaning for an entirely different reason as he moves to get up.

“As fun as the floor was last time, you know I almost couldn’t get up the next morning,” she snorts, calling out to him as she exits the bathroom. 

He grins to himself with a little too much pride as he towels off. 

She nearly didn’t get out of bed the next morning but that had  _ nothing _ to do with the floor. 

 

* * *

 

**three.**

 

Back when he’d been the director of SHIELD, Phil had always had this fantasy of fucking Melinda over his desk. He’d half expected her to laugh when he admitted it. Or tease him about it for a solid week and bring it up occasionally for the rest of their lives just to make fun of him. He had not anticipated her raising an eyebrow, before smirking, and checking on when Mace would next be out of town for a meeting. 

Tomorrow was their lucky day it seemed.

Or not. 

Their mornings and afternoons are filled with mission reports and paperwork and Melinda is off training her team and by the time they are both finally finished with their work it is late into the evening. 

Perhaps that isn’t such a bad thing as most of the base is now asleep and Phil knows how loud they can get in the heat of the moment. 

Melinda is actually grinning as she tugs him inside Mace’s office and bolts the door shut behind them; she doesn’t even have the opportunity to turn before he slams her up against the door tugging down the zipper of her vest and mouthing at the exposed skin of her neck as she let out quiet whimpers of pleasure. 

“I thought we were trying to defile the Director’s desk,” she pants out as he sucks on a particular sensitive spot, his hands roaming up beneath her shirt. 

“Might as well cover the rest of the office while we’re here,” he replies, trailing his lips over the shell of her ear, letting out a slow exhale, tickling her cheeks with his breath. 

“We could always sneak in again, fuck in every inch of this room.”

Her voice is low and it sends whatever is left of his sanity out the window. 

They pull apart and Phil reaches for Melinda’s hand, loving the way her fingers interlock with his, pausing for a moment to appreciate how their palms feel pressed together, before tugging her towards the familiar wooden desk to their left. 

He pauses as they stand beside it, unsure of how to go about this. His instinct wants to lift Melinda up with one arm, clear the desk with the other, just haphazardly brushing all of Mace’s paperwork and knicknacks onto the ground. He wants to lay her down across the wooden surface, tug off both their pants and just let things happen. But he’s always been a planner, someone who thinks ahead, and based on past experience, he’s not sure either of them will have enough energy to clean things up after they’re done. 

Phil is brought back to the present as Melinda extracts her hand from his grasp and not so carefully clears half the desk by shoving everything to one side. He grins as she hops up to sit on the edge of the desk, fingers quickly undoing her own pants and shoving them down past her knees. He helps them the rest of the way off, tugging a little impatiently when they get a little stuck on the heel of her combat boots. 

He’s barely freed her from her pants, letting them fall to the ground beside the desk and then she’s pulling him down and bringing their lips together once more as one hand slips down to undo his belt. 

He has a feeling that tonight will be very quick.

And very messy. 

After a few tries, Melinda gives up trying to yank fruitlessly at his belt, the fact that her arm is awkwardly trapped between both their bodies is making things a little difficult. She moves his hands, which have been gripping her hips hard enough to leave bruises at this point, guiding them up her sides and to her breasts, effectively distracting him. While he’s busy biting at her neck and trying to tug her shirt down to give him more access to her skin, she quickly slips her hand back down between them and goes straight for his zipper, tugging it down in a single motion before yanking his boxers just far enough to pull him out. 

They mightn't have had experiences that could be considered smooth sailing up until this point, but they know each other, and he doesn’t even lift his lips from where they’re appreciating her collarbones as he slips one hand down to push her panties to the side as he allows her to guide him in. 

The desk creaks with every thrust, the wood groaning under both their weight and force they’re exerting. Melinda has one hand gripping his shoulder, nails digging into the skin and leaving red welts, the other is wrapped around handle of the top drawer of the desk. 

They’re loud and definitely messy. 

They’re close to finishing when he hears the sound of the handle on the door being turned. He’s not worried it’s going to open - they did bolt it from the inside, but they need to be done. And quick. 

He increases his pace, slamming into her harder, fingers gripping the edge of the desk tightly and there’s a sickening crack he can’t quite figure out from where but the force of his last thrust is enough to send Melinda toppling backwards from desk as they both hit their peaks. 

She groans from her position on the floor - he’s not sure if it’s from pain or from pleasure, and he groans when he sees the mess they’ve made of the desk. Mace’s paperwork has been… ruined, stained, irreparable. He quickly tucks himself back into his pants and bends down to retrieve Melinda’s, tossing them over the desk to her. 

In two minutes they’re dressed and presentable and the desk has mostly been straightened up, save for the broken handle on the top draw and the unmistakable dents his robotic hand made in the wood. 

“The door to my office seems to be jammed.”

Mace is back. Early. 

“I’m sure Fitz can unlock it for you in the morning, sir,” they hear Daisy reply, but their hopes are dashed when they hear Mace respond that he has some files he needs to retrieve before the morning. 

“Can’t you just, you know, quake it open?” 

Phil doesn’t need to be able to see to know that Mace definitely made a hand gesture as he said quake and Daisy has most definitely responded with an eyeroll not too far from Melinda’s. 

“Let’s go find Fitz now.” 

They wait until the footsteps have died down to make their escape and just run for their rooms, hoping that Mace’s paperwork has dried off by the time he and Daisy return and that they won’t question that the door is now wide open. 

 

* * *

 

**four.**  


 

“Thousands of dollars of lab equipment!”

“And one of the windows is smashed in.”

Phil and Melinda listen on, mostly disinterested as as Fitz and Simmons react to the state of their laboratory after heading in early one morning to get a head start on one of their new projects. They had found the two older agents sitting together on one of the makeshift hospital beds, Coulson picking shards of glass from May’s bleeding knuckles. 

Several pieces of equipment had been damaged and there was broken glass all over the floor. It looked like there’d been a fight, but there was no apparent enemy, and neither Coulson or May were making any move to respond.

“How? What? Ugh!”

“What were you doing in here?”

May snorts and rolls her eyes and Coulson just gives them a “don't ask any more questions” look when a voice speaks out from behind them.

“They were you know...doing “it.” They destroyed my office last month - don't think I didn't know it was you two. I suspected after Daisy tried so hard to get me to leave.”

Fitz’s jaw drops to the ground and Simmon’s face screws up in disgust.

“You broke our equipment!”

“Not to mention how unhygienic it is. You could have contaminated all our samples!”

Mace coughs from the doorway.

“They ruined weeks of paperwork that we nearly sent off to the President.”

Coulson continues to bear them no mind as he finishes wrapping a bandage around May’s hand, securing it in place with a small metal clip. May actually smiles at him and says “thank you” and they're giving each other this look that makes Mace want to run from the room before he has to witness anything indecent.

“Why would you two want to… You know-” Mace cuts off as he makes a crude hand gesture- “ you know what I mean, in my office or in their lab anyway? You have perfectly furnished bedrooms to destroy.”

Coulson stands and helps May down, a hand at the small of her back as he guides her out, a grin on his face.

“It's called sex, Jeffrey. And Melinda and I like “experimenting”.”

 

* * *

 

**five.**

 

They do it in the Zephyr one night.

Melinda has finished maintenance and kicked all the other agents out, locking the only entrance before dragging Phil to the pilot’s seat and climbing up into his lap. They have time for the first time in so long, and take things slowly, removing articles of clothing piece by piece until they’re left completely bare.

Her hands slam against the controls, the light of the buttons and levels turning on and off but she doesn’t even notice because they’re too focused on one another to even realise that the engines are turning on. 

She’s mid-scream, with Phil grunting loudly in her ear when the static of the comms echo through the emptiness, and one of the poor junior agents on duty is calling through to see why they’ve begun take off. 

“Just testing the system,” Melinda replies, a little short of breath, one hand covering Phil’s mouth to stop him from making too much noise.

The agent quickly thanks her for the response, and disconnects, just as Melinda removes her hand from Phil’s mouth, and they continue with their activities. 

Melinda's back is completely bruised from all the controls she had been pressed up against, and she realises she had been inches away from slamming her hands onto the “Eject Missile” button. 

That would have been a little disastrous. 

 

* * *

 

**\+ many more**

 

They're pretty great at it.

And consistently terrible too.

At the end of the day, they don't care as long as they're together, but they have their fair share of stories that they'll probably never tell.

There's the time she topples off him and onto the ground when he tells a terrible joke, but he counts that as a win because she's actually laughing, like she used to so often back in the day.

Or when she has him pressed against the wall and is giving him an enthusiastic blowjob when he passes out and wakes an hour later to a pounding headache and Melinda has this shit eating grin on her face when she tells him he knocked himself when he threw his head back against the brick wall.

Or during a mission when they'd been fucking against the wall and he slammed into her so hard her knee went through it - the wall that is. 

They'd told people she was injured in the field.

Daisy had not bought their story. 

Of course, she had been the one scrubbing their sexcapades from SHIELD’s security camera footage. Eyes half closed - she had no desire to see what was really going on.

The things she did for her family.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i usually don't write "explicit" -cough- things, but this is mostly humour. let me know how i did by leaving a comment below? :)


End file.
